Every day I discover new ducts to my suckage that I never knew existed.
I am piling up sucks and the dam is about to give way.
They say that practice makes perfect but if perfect isn't achieved within a set time of practice, the team is not made.
If only effort got you places. I can give my very best effort at something but without results, the effort is worthless.
Why must I suck? And why can't I only think that I suck on days/about things that I really do suck on/about. I've cried wolf too many times. Now, when I vent about how terrible I am, people don't believe me.
No guys. I am serious this time. I am deep in miry suckage. If only I had realized this when I was ankle deep, now I am up to my thighs.
I want to erase the slate of my life and start fresh. If only all my yesterdays didn't count. My life's slate is very dirty, I can't start over. I can only press on. Press on and hope that the effort leads to results and those results. Those good results will eventually blot out all those yesterdays.
...OH SO DRAMATIC.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry to say this and I have been there. Praying for you. May God be your strong tower and your strength through this time.
Lord I pray you would give Kristen the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so she may know you more. Lord I pray the eyes of her heart may be enlightened in order that she may know the hope to which she has been called. The wonderful riches of an inheritance for the saints.
Lord may Kristen's love abound more and more in depth of insight so she may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ Jesus.
I know that feeling very well, especially the feeling that all the effort will not pay off.
For me, I used to let my thoughts go very often toward wishing that things were better, or different, that I could rewrite my history and be a better player in it.
But you know, one day I realized something that is meant by, "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me": There is only one God who writes history, and that's not me.
If we could rewrite history, what would we do? We would neatly delete our sins, our foolishness, our mistakes, and our regrets.
And then I realized that God's purpose in writing history is not to display me as great, or wise, or glorious. His purpose is to show Himself great. And wise. And glorious. And merciful.
And when this weak and worthless mess trusts in Him, and submits to Him, and relies on Him, His glory and strength are displayed.
I don't know if this will be of any use, but I've shared many of these same thoughts, so maybe it will be helpful. See II Cor 12:1-10.
I love you. You are precious to me.
Oh, one more thing. I partly got this from John Piper and partly from my reflection on His words, but know this:
God looked down the corridors of time and He determined to make you, Kristen. He knew exactly what you would be like. He knew all your weakness, all your failures, and all your sins.
And He said: "I WANT THAT WOMAN IN MY FAMILY."
And so He purchased you with the blood of His own Son. From that moment to this, He has never once, and will never, ever regret His purchase. YOU--and I mean the real broken "inside" you, the who lives with all her own weakness in this broken world--are GREATLY LOVED, and greatly loved forever.
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