You may have noticed this before but: I am a worry wart!
I lay in bed at night and I go over and over the things that must be done if we don't want the world to end and I worry about how I'm going to manage it and what if I don't manage it. The what ifs give me nightmares, that is, unpleasant dreams in which I forget something, don't do something, or don't do it perfectly.
Like the dream in which I showed up hours late for work. First, I forgot I was scheduled and second, I had to complete some stuff before I went or the world would have ended. I kid you not, it would've. Oi, I worry about getting fired a lot. It's an illogical fear (I hope) but it's an active one and not cool to boot.
This may be hard to believe 'cause I do it so much (and here I am making a whole post about it) but, I actually don't like complaining about my stress and anxiety. It's like, "Eat your artichokes, there are starving children in Africa." I know I need to get down and just deal with it, not complain, afterall there are people who have worse anxiety than I do who doubtless don't complain like I do. I'm trying to guilt myself into shutting up, you comprehend?
Two big causes of worry are graduation and coming-of-age. Of course, there are other things like does anyone love me, small deadlines, will I grow up an old maid, my choices and decisions.... Those things are all fleas compared to the elephants that are graduation and eighteen.
I worry about not finishing at the appropriate time (I don't know why but finishing highschool on time is really important to me. Why I don't know, I don't know. I think it has something to do with a perfectionist nature, if I am going to graduate I will do it on time, if I don't finish on time I might as well not do it at all. I know, pathetic. I could kill some of this worry if I didn't procrastinate so much, why am I writing this post instead of studying? I don't know! Grrrrr.)
I worry that my homeschool education is Not Enough. I certainly don't feel smart, I feel like I am very much lacking in every subject you could name. I feel like I need some sort of test to tell me that, yes, I am smart, I am on average with other students, and I can succeed. However, I know that any test I take I will not get a 100% on which means Not Perfect. I cannot settle for not perfect! It means I still am not The Smartest (this mentality is no virtue, what would you call it, certainly not meek or humble) which means there is more learning I need to do which brings me to where I am right now. This can never be fixed!
I worry about the future. I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be this stay-at-home wife who spends all day running her home and trying to make her husband's house the best she possibly can for him, and blessing the people around her by being a good housekeeper. Also, if God gives her children, giving them all that she can including but not limited to a knowledge of God, health, education, and a happy childhood. That is what I want to be. I am not interested in living alone, becoming rich, or becoming famous. I worry, is that okay? Can I do that? Would that be living in the way I'm supposed to live? Is it okay to want to live a little life trying to affect only a few people (but those few people in the best way possible). What if God has no hubby in store for me and I'm meant to be a old maid, should I pursue college just in case? Am I supposed to go to college regardless? What if I get these things and then fail at them and bring grief to the people around me and we all live miserable lives of depressionhood?
What if adult life supposed to be like? What is required of me? I worry about this, hoping I can manage, make a good responsible adult, and be the person I am supposed to be. I figure that there is an unwritten set of rules for young adults, things that they are expected to do. I worry about breaking these rules, nasty because I don't know what the rules are so I will not know if I am following them or if I am breaking them. Heather and Mom both say that eighteen is just a number and nothing changes. They are no doubt right but I am having a hard time taking that seriously. I feel that, if nothing changes, that I am therefore doing something wrong. Of course, I will have no idea if I am or not. Terribly, terribly confusing. Suddenly I need to have responsiblity and maturity thrown on my shoulders because, that's what adulthood is, isn't it?
Ah, I have no very great wisdom, you see. I'm having a hard time figuring all this out. Why this is all a post? Dunno. It's kind of an embaressing post, I'm sure I made countless horrible mistakes in it that all of you see through but I can't seem to. As you can see, I am having a hard time reading the road signs. Or maybe I am only imagining them, maybe there are no road signs. I do know for sure that even if there are no roadsigns there is a guide and a map. I'm just having a hard time following the guide and reading the map.
(Note: This sounds like another depressing post, don't it? It isn't meant to me. I am moanin' and groanin' over this stuff but, at the same time, I am really calm and layed back about it. All very odd.)
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2 comments:
Kristen, what you are feeling is normal in my opinion. I think one of the injustices foisted on the young was to make them adults at eighteen. In my day it was 21, and a lot happened to me between eighteen and 21 to help give me the confidence and experience and maturity that I needed. I wasn't quite 22 when your mother was born. I was married as a child of 20, but on March 11, 1965 the whole responsibility piece of adulthood hit me like a truck. Then I got awfully scared about being responsible for this beautiful girl in my arms. And, guess what? I look back and think of a LOT of things I should have done differently. Perhaps everyone does. . . the learning is NEVER over. LOVE your blog. It is refreshing to see into someone's heart of hearts.
Kristen,
I have to agree comepletely with "Brend" (your grandma I think??) I think the voting thing has made people adults in this society, 18 has become some "magic" age, one you hit after that "16" the year you're "supposed to drive" and of course that follows the ever so popular "13". They are all just another year God has given us. It is so God given for our minds to wonder, think, anticipate, dream, and in our human minds comes with that, worry. You might find this ridiculous, but as a young adult I had a very real concern-fear that I would not be able to have children. Obviously I had nothing to worry about. But it was a bit consuming to me, along with many others.
There is no *formula* as to what you should be doing after you are finished with your high schooling. Be you, do what the Lord leads, take the time you normally used for school and learn something new, help people. Realize that the people you interact with every day are just as eternal in their spirits as those in India, or the inner city, or where ever. Your impact on the people in your circle can be so eternal and I'm sure it already is.
I can relate to some of your questions, don't worry about doing it all wrong or that it isn't all right! God is forgiving and we will make mistakes. Strive to serve and love and obey him, there is mercy abundant for those who do.
Wonderful post, I enjoyed reading it, thanks for your transparency, some of us could do well to be like you in that respect.
Mrs. McIntyre
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